i love to love

monday

31/08/2015

20:17

good day at work today

• up to date with tenders
• went to site with jarrod for some site measuring
• early mark to get home and take some vids and pics towards the site to help sell the house
• had a big dinner (burp)
• more work done on constructing my future
• told my close ones that i love them
• started to pay off the latest council rates notice
• made a booking for a catch up dinner leading up to my birthday
• told myself that i am a sexy man
• told the boss i was sexy
• enjoyed the view from my desk with freshly cleaned windows - didn't realise how dirty the glass was until it got cleaned lol
• enjoying the clarity of my desk (neatness king)
• i took off my black jacket/tradie jacket thing once i got to work so i wasn't wearing black/dark grey up top... not sure i noticed any difference in my feelings or thoughts but at the same time, i wasn't feeling negative either :-)
• wore my newly allocated work tradie pants - very nice and comfy but the top button is damn tight - i think the hole for the button needs to be a bit wider....
• spoke to jake on the phone - nice to catch up with his latest happenings
• got to talk to Master a couple of times
• had another nap in the truck this morning when i got to work
• i believe my rubber band can remain on my right wrist tonight :-)

i'm really doing my best to be a more reasonable and less serious person. it feels good when i have the strength to not take things seriously and give people what they need and want. because sometimes they need space and time, but that doesn't mean they don't like or love me, or don't think about me, or miss me.....

when i think about my april, i think about how we've known each other, probably coming up to 14 years now, we rarely talk to each other, see each other, email each other, text each other - but the most important thing is that we are always there for each other, we always love and care for each other, we will never ever forget each other

i'm looking forward to when i have that feeling of safety and comfort with my family... it's going to be wonderful

it already is wonderful - they are all amazing people in different and diverse ways, and i love it and them for it because it gives my brain a lot to feast on with learning about new people and learning how to interact with different people...

i will be more sociable in future with thanks to my Master and my family.

i love you all very muchly :-)

because i'm worth it

good evening

i am a good person.

i am friendly, caring, honest, loving, passionate, loyal, strong and funny.

i am worthy of this life.

i am worthy of receiving the things and people that are in my life.

and i am worthy of being in other people's lives too.

30th august 2015

20:20

• had a relatively relaxing day
• watched lots of the good wife, season 6
• wrote a letter for the future
• had a second inspection of someone potentially looking at buying the house
• accepted help from one of my close friends to try and help sell the house
• told myself and others that i am sexy
• didn't wear black or grey on the top half of the body
• told the important people in my family that i love them
• cooked breakfast
• put the rubbish bin out front
• made lunches for work for the week
• filled up with diesel
• told myself that i look good and i am sexy
• i tried my best at being brave and generous with others
• managed to keep anxieties at bay and not let them get to me
• stayed positive as much as possible
• ate dinner early and had fruit, yoghurt, biscuits and cake afterwards

neighbour sharon gave me a task to do everyday, apart from telling myself and everyone i know that i am sexy for 14 days... she gave me a rubber band to put on my left wrist.

the aim is to transfer the band to my right wrist when i've had a good day without any slips into anxiety.

the target is to have it on my right wrist for 21 consecutive days. at this point in time, she says that i can safely consider myself on the road to a better life.

after today, i'm giving myself a pat on the back and transferring the band to my right wrist.

now the challenge is to see how long i can keep it on that side.

i'm still a little scared of failing. but i can't think of it as failure.

as dion has instructed in the past - it's like a target shoot on a dart board or similar. if i slip, it's just not hitting the bullseye, rather it scores points on outer rings. we can't always hit the bullseye - it's just not realistic. we will all miss the bullseye but the important part is to hit as close to the bullseye as we possibly can.

i forgot about that until dion reminded me last week.

thank you dion, i love you my brother.

another task set by sharon was to not wear black/dark greys on the top half of the body, and bottom half if possible... so this means going to work i will have to change the jackets i wear as they are generally black.

i wonder if this may change how i feel when i'm at work.

if i can get away with wearing one of the hoodies Master gave me a while ago (prints on a white base material), then i will do that. the brighter the colour, the more bright i should start to feel.

it will be funny telling my boss that i am sexy. it will make for good laughter between us i think.

wait n see

i love my Master and i am very proud to serve him. this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

it was wonderful of sharon to tell me last night that she sees how it's such a wonderful thing for me, that it's a realisation for myself and i am finally fitting into life as it should be, and i need to embrace it and learn to give my trust over to it that nothing bad will happen to me.

i guess my upbringing wasn't the best from that aspect.

i need to give myself a chance, cut myself some slack etc. i've been like this for 31 years. so it's going to take time to adjust and change to understand that my new family surroundings are safe and happy. there is nothing to fear. they are not out to 'get me'. nor to hurt me.

i accept that i am good at hurting myself without any help from others.

it will stop.

it has started to stop.

it is a process and i will be better in the long term for it and be a better slave for it too.

this is who i am and i am damn fucking proud of it.

no one can take that away from me. let em try.

Saturday night

A blog from bed

It's warm in bed

Good to be in bed

Good things today include:

- baked banana cake

- made slow cooker roast lamb and potatoes

- did laundry and ironing

- vacated the house for open inspection time

- started watching season 6 the good wife (wow!)

- had the fireplace on all day

- had neighbour Sharon over for dinner to share the roast and the cake

- Sharon have me lots of help to try and handle anxious situations and dealing with the killer silence when alone

- she made a list of my qualities in about 15 seconds and made me write more things

- she's trying to help give my self esteem a booster shot and gave me tasks to try and maintain the better thought processes

- I told her and my other important people that I love them

- I have to admit I look good and I'm sexy (though it was Sharon's idea at first lol)

- I realise more that I don't have to associate with biological family if I don't want to as I have a true family of my own

- brushed and air flossed my teeth

- I have my apnea splint ready to put in my mouth before sleepy time

- I am a good, caring, honest, loving person

My life is heading in the best direction and I am deserving and worthy of all the good that is coming my way

Time to snuggle undercover and keep warm, I think it's going to be ice/frost in the morning again much like this morning was.....

up and down and taper out....

today was a slippery slide

started on mega ups

went on the downer in the late arvo

now i'm slowly balancing out

but the purpose of this exercise is to point out the positives of the day - so here goes!

28th august 2015

21:34

here's the good shit:

• slept another half the night with splint
• keeping up with the air floss in my teeth at night
• got up about 8:00 i think, feeling tired but well rested
• setup laptop next to the desktop computer to operate from the office all day
• got in the bathtub and gave myself a long overdue hair cut and beard trim
• tidy up shave to neaten the face
• went to the main street to get some shopping done for dinner tonight and tomorrow night
• invited the neighbour for dinner tomorrow night
• sent a present to a loved one
• spoke with the real estate to advised they think the second inspectee will arrive during the open for inspection tomorrow
• did work stuff on laptop
• played game for a few hours in the afternoon
• made a nice pork chop thing for dinner with asparagus
• made a salad of tomato, cucumber and onion (but forgot to eat some at dinner lol)
• vaccuummmeedd the house
• cleaned the toilets/bathrooms
• stoked the fire to light up in the morning
• mashed banana and grated lemon to prepare for banana cake bake in the morning
• played some m people vinyls
• paid some bills
• finished watching frasier (onto good wife season 6 this weekend!)
• told the close ones to me that i love them
• made the close ones laugh and smile
• asked for a bit of help when i got stuck upstairs and did my best to keep moving forward and not focussing on bad things

there's a lot on my mind at the moment, but as long as i keep making lists each day like the above, i should get to a better thought space

think it's bed time now lol

today is thursday..... and it rained a lot....

good evening,

20:23

27/08/2015

a month until my birthday - fancy that....

today's weather was very grey, lots of rains...

trams on strike

so those combinations made for an interesting drive home tonight, ring road mega blocked and western fwy shut both directions at melton... geeze!

so here's today list:

• i wore my sleep apnea splint for at least half the night sleep last night
• ate my apple on the way to work (it's a really nice feeling lobbing an apple core into the centre median of the freeway from the left lane - bit of a workout lol)
• managed to finish the work day with an almost cleared desk
• bought a webcammy thingo so i can talk to friends whilst playing new computer games i've been given :-)
• remained relatively calm during the worst of the traffic on the ring road between tulla fwy and keilor park drive (about half hour)
• kept monitoring traffic reports on the radio to assess the best way to get back here (grieg's road and out to exford and the back side of bacchus marsh)
• treated myself to takeaway dinner
• had some milk and biscuits afterwards
• watched some frasier (one disc left for the whole series - that'll get knocked over tomorrow i reckon)
• made use of funny opportunities to laugh
• which then leads to smiling
• told important people that i love them
• made some important people in my life laugh and giggle with some mucking about and little bit of teasing
• sent email copy of proxy form and proof of debt forms as i was chased by the administrator to send them in (they haven't done that in the past so maybe luck is on my side at long last??)
• oh yes i used my airfloss to floss my teef last night before bed too...

nice thought to not have to worry about going into work tomorrow... do some work from home instead so i can relax and no think about driving anywhere :-)

yeah that'll do i reckon...

let's face it - i've been lazy.....

**pulls on the cord to start the lawn mower repeatedly**

yeah i'm a slacker

but then there's a lot of crap going on upstairs too...

time to bring back the keyboard and bash the keys for a while

**pulls on the cord to start the mower again and again**

but this time i'll just focus on the positives of each day... i spend enough time moaning and complaining about the shitty stuff.....

so here goes.

26th august 2015

what was good today?

• i ate my daily apple on the way to work
• i acknowledged my possible sleep apnea creeping back, so had a 15 minute nap in the truck when i got to work before going inside
• i helped a very close friend with a job application letter
• i arranged a birthday present for the most important person in my life
• i helped get a small contract over the line at work
• couple of sets of shop drawings for larger projects got approved with minimal fuss
• i posted my creditors forms for the upcoming creditors meeting (let's see if i can get my 720 bucks after 3 years of hoping lol)
• i got contacted about 2 different important events occurring at the moment, which i was hoping to hear from this week
• i have a prospective buyer taking a second inspection this weekend
• i ate the last of my leftover chicken and veg stir fry that i made on monday night
• my boss was kind and funny to me today
• i told people i care about that i love them
• i continue to strive to be a good obedient driver and not speed
• i acknowledged moments of weakness and anxiety and did my best to talk myself through them to friends and myself
• i laughed
• i smiled
• i ate a good lunch
• i breathed deeply and took a step back to relax about things going on around me as best as i could

**continuously and frustratingly pulling on cord to the mower**

so that wasn't terribly difficult... no matter that it's 20:33 and i should be just about in bed... spending at least 5 minutes at the end of each day should be enough to reflect on the positive things..... and looking at the positive side of the lesser positive things.....

**pulls the cord one last time**
BRRMM, BRRMMM, BRRRRMMMMMMMM!!!!!

the mower has started....

time to cut the grass and clean up the upstairs paddock........