Waiting for the train......

So the ptv app said a train to Ballarat was leaving at 14:10 and stopping at Footscray and sunshine only - turns out that's a Geelong train... So an hour or more wait to the next Ballarat train that's actually going to Ballarat lol

Time to kill

1/11/15

14:30

Good bits:

- garage sale was generally a good thing, sold a bundle of smaller items but not furniture unfortunately... Fingers crossed Facebook buy swap n sell groups will help move the rest of bigger items

- slimmed down on stuff in the house

- cleaned alphas house today and had lunch with him

- most of the house is back to being neat after the garage sale

- I'll probably do a colouring page today after I get back from the city 

- told important people I love them

- had a good night sleep last night

- money made yesterday can go to paying off my mechanic bill

Not much else really.....

Hopefully the doors to the train will open soon so I can sit in a more comfortable chair than the metal seat on the platform..... lol

happy dozen years milestone

well hello there,

i'm pretty sure today's been 12 years since i left home and did my own thing (my own thing, being a loosely used term at the time lol)

so let's see what has happened during these 12 years as a brief pointed list!

30/10/2015

20:36

• lived in 7 places
• up to my 11th job
• 2 longer term type of relationships
• attended 2 weddings
• attended 4 funerals
• driven probably 500,000 kms or more
• 3 vehicles
• owned 3 houses
• wisdom teeth out, braces on, major operation
• travelled overseas 3 times
• accumulated (so i found out today) plenty of crap lol
• helped people move house a few times, across town and interstate
• drove to adelaide once
• travelled to tassie once
• a few speeding fines here and there
• lost my job from business going into administration/liquidation 3 times
• grew fondly passionate about chooks
• met some amazing people
• met some arse holes
• went to a hair cutting establishment to get my hair cut twice (due to both times my clippers breaking down mid cut)
• attended the first visit of the airbus A380 when it came to melbourne
• travelled on the first flight from wollongong (albion park) to melbourne when qantaslink started doing trips for a few years
• travelled in an ambulance once
• involved in minor car accident 3 times
• started to wear glasses for long distance vision
• got paid for 5 months when i took time off work that was meant to be unpaid lol
• visited all 3 lunatic asylums in victoria
• called the police to attend to rowdy neighbours and late night parties probably half a dozen times
• watched live in concert in melbourne - dido, sheryl crow/john mellencamp, garbage (twice), sharon corr (and left when ronan keating came on lol)
• my favourite teams won a combined haul of 5 afl premierships (and attended 2 of them in 2007 and 2009)
• watched the fireworks of the opening ceremony of the 2006 commonwealth games by standing underneath it
• paid for the most expensive diesel in 2008 while in transit at goulburn ($.192 per litre)
• experienced the hottest ever day of my life so far @ 51°C the day before black saturday
• experienced the coldest mornings of my life in sub zero temperatures
• saw snow for the first time in australia in ballarat
• owned 2 birds and up to 10 chooks
• more recently - found my place in life and loving every moment

going through everything today sorta made me a bit depressed about the stuff i've carried with me, but at the same time, i'm embarking on an important new chapter and this is merely a stepping stone towards the future.

i wouldn't change things for anything at all... i know where i belong and what my purpose is.

bring on the next chapter and the next 12 years

i am sexy, strong, smart, loving, caring, kind, honest, brave, very brave, generous and gentle

i am thankful for everything and everyone for shaping the past to give me the benefits of now and the future

i love me

moving forward....

moving forward is such a tacky political catch phrase lol

but it's what is going on

moving forward

26/10/2015

20:00

good bits:

• booked in a garage sale in lieu of the regular open for inspection this saturday... it's time to just start selling stuff i'm not going to need in the next chapter and raise funds to get things organised
• had a good weekend with my family
• told my loved ones that i love them all
• met and made a new friend
• helped another in the pack with their future
• booked in the truck for service on friday
• made lunches for the working week
• brushed my teeth and have apnea splint ready for bed shortly
• put a charcoal paver on top of the letter box - still looks funny but it's better than a floor tile with a brick on top of it lol
• posted everywhere i could find about the garage sale in local area buy/swap/sell groups on facebook
• had a decent dinner
• used the lint shaver to get rid of most of the fluff on my work hoodie

yeah that's about it i think

it's a cool/cold night so i better go hop into bed and make some movements to warm up the cold sheets! brr!

hugs for everyone

i'm approaching a little milestone this week in the dozen variety... i may just post a bit about my achievements and events during that time.....

bloggering and colouring........

good afternoon all!

what an absolutely perfect spring day! not a cloud to be seen, mild winds, sun high in the sky - perfect!

what a busy weekend i have had, and whilst today was more of a relax day, i still managed to get a few chores done too :-)

19 october 2015

16:39

good bits since last we spoke:

• washing and ironing was completed (small load got done this morning and will iron the few pieces later today)
• pruned each of the hebe hedge bushes out the front yesterday by hand with scissors (about 30-35 plants)
• watered and fertilised the hebes, and watered the rest of the gardens
• went to lee and tahnee's baby shower yesterday and went out for dinner with them afterwards to lazy moe's (been ages since i went there, damn their food is yummy and filling)
• coloured in one of the pictures in the colouring book
• told my family i love and care about them
• thought as little as possible about work
• bought some grocery things to have some lunch at work this week and to make fried rice for dinner tonight
• reconciled receipts to the latest quarterly bank statement
• filed lots of paperwork
• sent online request to transfer some super to consolidate accounts
• enjoyed lots of sunshine (think my ears are burnt lol)
• had some chit chat with conan about anxiety and talking about how it feels when anxiety occurs, in turn, identifying how much less of an issue it is for me these days (thankfully, and fingers crossed it stays!)
• i am sexy
• i slept with my sleep apnea splint, and even after waking up during the night, i forced myself to put it back in and continued sleeping *pats on back*

i think that is about it - i'm glad that today has been generally good. usually when i have 4 days off in a row and i'm not in sydney, i start to get a bit of an anxiety itch - wanting to know what others are doing, start to get in a rut, easily bored etc

i've managed to fend it off quite well without incurring the wrath of hard heavy labour today...

so continue, relaxing afternoon, and provide me good food, good tv (family guy season 3 in the dvd player), some milk and biscuits and a restful night sleep (with splint in mouth!)

love myself and love my friends and family

enjoy today's coloured item :-)

Bloggering on the train.....

Good evening people

Greetings from the 20:55 southern cross to wendouree

Got my first aid certificate today :) well done me!!

Big thanks to April for finding the course for me :)

Have had a great couple of days

17/10/2015

20:55

Good bits:

- got some sorta bad news on Thursday but took it in my stride and saw all the positives that came out of it

- picked up 2 contracts on Thursday totalling about $380,000 plus gay

- neighbear gav worked on the front yard on Thursday by completely weeding the front garden and mowing the front lawns

- I spent a couple hours that evening mowing the back yard lawns and removing the chook yard wire roof so I could mow in there

- Friday I finished the mowing, put heaps of new mulch down in the front garden bed and took all the grass clippings and chook wire to the tip

- finished the online assessment for the first aid course

- went out for Sharon's birthday dinner

- completed the first aid course day today

- cleaned alpha's house and had lovely dinner with him

- rang bio-dad to wish happy birthday (2 minute chore completed relatively painlessly lol)

- paid some fuel injector monies

- paid part of the water bill

- had a couple inspect the house today and seem very interested - asked about quantity and location of tv coax antenna points and asked about cost of council rates 

- rubber band continues on right wrist - 6 weeks now I think?

- as always I tell my family I love them and care about them

Overall, I'm doing really well. Things are feeling as though they are heading in the desired direction

I'll keep fingers crossed and hopeful that some big events will happen soon and provide more direction for my future :)

Until then, a nap on the train home tonight followed by milk, biscuits and some computer games :)

I love me, I am sexy, smart, intelligent and strong

Love you all

Bloggering whilst gamering.....

Good evening all!!

I'm currently multitasking by bloggering on my phone whilst playing some civ 5 on the computer :) go me!!

How was your day?

Good? That's great!! :)

Mine?? Yeah can't complain... Well, I could - but I'm not going to :)

Let's get to the good shit :)

Tuesday 13th October 2015

19:43

- got through the day at work

- are an apple on the way to work

- had a good sized lunch

- had a decent night sleep

- finished a few modules last night for the course on the weekend

- fired up the bbq tonight for first time this season, and cooked a couple of chook snags

- currently playing computer game and eating biscuits (milk to follow shortly!)

- had a nice chit chat on text with Conan this morning

- weather has been pretty nice today

- got new uniforms at work, some shirts, hi vis best and a black hoodie... Shorts are on order apparently

- it's nice to get home in daylight thanks to daylight savings

- told my loved ones that I love them

- identified a post on Facebook I did as not helpful so deleted it soon after

Hmm I think that's a good list for today

I better get some milk to wash the biscuits down :)

Have a good night people :)

Xoxoxo

slacker!!!!! :-)

well good afternoon to you all

yes i have been slack with bloggerings, however i was spending time enjoying annual leave and then getting back into the swing of work then another busy weekend...

so here i am sitting at the desktop computer and thought i could type something up whilst Civ V could download all the new expansions i got a couple weeks ago :-)

monday 12th october 2015

16:29

things have been great.

on occasion there have been some bumps, hurdles, jumps and spin outs - but overall i think i've conducted myself to the best of my abilities using what resources i have access to

since my last post, on my birthday, the following good bits have occurred:

• spent time with my family in sydney and enjoyed every moment i possibly could
• got to spend time with april and keenan - twice! (even though the second time was only for 15 minutes, it was still great!)
• enjoyed warmer weather and the return of daylight savings
• jumped a few more hurdles for constructing the future
• did a bundle of garden work in sydney
• consoled some of the family with a passing of their own, as best as i could
• got to attend more rope classes with alpha and he has graduated to the later class! (go alpha!)
• started to be more self-identifying with issues crossing my mind and doing my best to assess them and deal with them in a reasonable manner
• made Master proud of my efforts of self helping, resilience, the garden work and more
• self-pride of the above and more
• coloured in the first of a book of adult colouring in things (adult as in - made for adults to colour - not meaning adult pictures [porno etc lol])
• planned a day of work in the gardens here in ballan to make the house look more presentable for sale (weeding and grass cutting mainly - this friday - helpers are welcome!)
• bought some fruit to eat for the week
• booked in a course on saturday to further my future
• pimple things on my back are slowly disappearing
• told lots of people that i love and care about them
• took some awesome photos with Master yesterday afternoon - i look great in some of the pics :-)
• rubber band remains on the right hand wrist - i think i'm a few days past 5 weeks now! :-)

generally, everything is going good.

as mentioned, i'm dealing things pretty well and i'm proud of my efforts to remain calm at all times when considering what thoughts are useful and what might be less useful (or useless, even...)

things will continue to go on in a reasonable and controlled manner as long as i remain vigilant with my resilience, strength and pride of good outcomes

i am loving, kind, strong, honest, caring, sexy, generous, thoughtful, passionate and sexy (yes twice lol)

hope everything in other people's lives are travelling well :-)

work hard for what you are passionate about and what you believe in

living by your values is what is most important - mindfulness helps bring this to fruition

and then that reminds me of the yummy fruit i have chopped up in the fridge.... which reminds me to start on dinner soon....

i love myself and love all of you xo

happy birthday!

well - it's technically no longer my birthday, but i haven't had a chance to bloggerise anything up to this point so here goes!

28th september 2015

00:19

good bits:

• it was my birthday! yay!!!
• i got lots of well wishers on telephone, sms, facebook, a video, potential strangers wishing me well - the works!
• had a nice lunch with Master and Alpha....
• got to work on a nice craft project making cardboard masks - i did a bird creature one - turned out ok after feeling completely and utterly lost by it lol
• last night's dinner was wonderful - great to have everyone turn up and had good food, good laughs, great company, lots of nice pics, it was awesome. i was at home with my family and loved every second of it
• tonight i went to see my parents and cousins for dinner - was a bit anxious about how that would turn out, but i think it was all good in the end :-)
• came back to sydney and took Master for a lap of the supermarket and did some chores around the house
• currently awaiting civilisation to download on the laptop to join in a group game with Master and Galen... been hanging for a group game to see how it plays out :-)
• looking forward to this week, continuing my annual leave and relaxing from work and doing completely non work related things to relax and recharge the batteries!
• boss and jo rang up and sang me happy birthday which was very sweet of them :-)
• i love my life as to where it is right now - again i reiterate that i am exactly where i belong and that makes me smile and feel really good on the inside
• i am a good person
• i am sexy
• i am strong, resilient, brave and confident
• day 22 with rubber band - just keep pushing ahead with things

so time to play games now and have a great night with Master and Galen

love you all, whoever might or might not read it

i've had a great day and thanks to those that participated in any way, shape or form as it's added to the fun!

woof!

day 21.....

good afternoon people

how are things going with you all??

i have reached day 21 of my rubber band therapy.

yesterday and today (so far) have had a few challenges for me to deal with or adapt myself to the situations happening around me.....

i was a bit concerned i may have tripped over at the final hurdle..... but i think all is ok.....

meeting brand new people is not my strong point so i think i misplaced my shyness as something worse.... but it wasn't.....

and today at the comic convention thingo whatsit, it was a challenge being in a place where i understood the concept, but was far, far lacking in knowledge to be able to fully know what was going on around me lol

so good bits for last couple of days up to the 'so far' of today:

• i got through the working week
• i am officially on annual leave until 5th october (yay!!!)
• today i started to forget about my work - being in a foreign land helped to scramble the working mind lol)
• i drove up to sydney to hang with my family
• went out for a nice pub dinner last night in newtown
• made a new friend
• slept and rested a fair bit
• went to the comic convention thing and saw lots of different things, costumes, a couple of workshops, lots of colour and noises/sounds
• got involved with photos in my pup hood
• added glebe island to the map in my brain of where i know how to drive to in sydney
• had a couple of good emails come through over the last couple of days
• told important people and my family that i love them
• drove dan's car around a lot (hybrid engine sounds like it has a dymo label machine in it - i'm still expecting a shitload of label stickers to spit out at me through the cd player or something lol)
• tidied up the kitchen a couple of times
• currently just relaxing on the bed with alpha typing this bloggery thing up
• had an investor inspect the house today - fingers crossed they see a good investment and put a good offer to buy the house!!!

on the whole, i think - no, i know, that i've done really well for myself the last 21 days.

tonight's sydney birthday celebration will be wonderful and i'll be able to relax and enjoy myself and hopefully not think too much about other people and whether they're having a good time or not.... they are there to celebrate a sexy man's birthday, so of course they'll be having a GREAT time!

be good to see some faces i haven't seen in a while :-)

tomorrow night i'll go down to robbotown and visit parents, and cousins will probably be there, and have a birthday dinner there which should be nice too

and i'm looking forward to the rest of my week off and looking forward to seeing april again - it'll probably be a year since i saw her last! she's in her new house and i can't wait to see it and meet her puppy dog! :-)

tomorrow will complete the 32nd rotation of the earth in this existence. much has changed since i turned 31 last year, all of it for the bettering of my life and my existence.

the last 21 days has helped me to calm down a bit, take a step back, and realise and acknowledge a lot more of what i have in my life, who i have in my life, what opportunities i have had and what opportunities are still to present themselves fully to me...

i'm in a good place. i am exactly where i belong. and i am damn please about that.

i am strong, confident, incredibly resilient, funny, loving, caring, trustworthy, reliable, generous, brave and sexy!! :-)

so be good and watch me eat well tonight!

i'm better prepared for it this time i think :-) i've had a rice paper roll and a small tub of yoghurt today and i'll stop there.... onwards to the BBQ feast at brazilian tonight!!

*burp*

short n sweet.....

good evening all!

it's tuesday

22/09/2015

20:27

what can i tell you about the day?

hmmm

good bits:

finished a set of shop drawings
started the second set of shop drawings
attended a builder's meeting for a potential new project on the cards
packed the truck for the trip away
put out the garbage
asked a couple of friends to have dinner in canberra
avoided a near accident due to road rage
rubber band is now up to day 17
checked in with neighbour sharon
had dinner
told my important ones that i love them all

the list is a bit short at the moment.... i'm really just knuckling down on trying to get work under control so when i'm off on annual leave, i have a relatively clean desk... i shouldn't stress if it isn't, cause things will continue on in my absence anyway no matter how much work i do right this moment...

so i'll try to worry less about that

and hey! i'm still good looking!! it never fails me :-)

i'm a great guy and i love my life and i love myself

g'night! :-)
xo

Monday evening

Well it's Monday

It's a really odd contrasting feeling having very sun burnt shoulders and yet the next day is cold and miserable lol cause it means I have to rug up and that also means lots of material rubbing against the burns lol

21st September 2015

20:04

Good bits:

- relatively good night sleep

- wore my retainer during the night

- very productive day at work

- checked up on neighbour Sharon to make sure she's resting well

- watching some family guy before bed

- told loved ones I love them

Short list today, was really involved in my work to notice much else

Oh day 16 rubber band down pat

Nearing the finish line....

happy birthday - editions 1 and 2 out of 5.....

good evening!

what a beautiful day it was today - clear, blue skies, sunshine.... sunburn......

(hello summer wife beater tan)

the truck is clean!!!!

20/09/2015

20:28

good stuff:

• friday night dinner in ballarat with ballan bears and robyn - awesome night, robyn is lovely and i've missed her heaps! a shame some of the others from masters couldn't make it.... next time!
• had a tad too much to drink on friday night, but prepared well that night, had water by the bedside, woke up at 6am and took some panadol to beat the slight beginnings of a headache, drank more water.... i was good by lunch time when i had some kfc to kill off the rest of the wine in my body
• got to clean alpha's house, always a satisfying feeling to see a home get a shine to it
• alpha and i went walkabout to eagle leather and manhaus to see what wares they had for sale....
• dinner at watergardens pub last night was wonderful!
• great group of people
• great food (i think i finished with about 5 plates of mains and 2 plates of dessert..... no, sorry, make that 3 plates of dessert)
• i love a buffet when the quality of food is good
• i was very happy that my friends got to meet my boss and wife, and vice versa - lots of people putting names to faces etc
• i was really, really pleased that alpha had a great time, being one of the most important people in my life and my family, i wanted to make sure he had a great time, and he did :-)
• slept for a few hours overnight then up early to take neighbours to southern cross to catch a train out to bairnsdale to go visit sharon's daughter...
• sharon had kidney pain so couldnt go with hubby and keeley, so i brought her home, i felt sad for them all, but we all agreed that sharon needs to be close to home if something major happens
• so the good point is that i was able to be there for her for a few hours this morning to make sure she was ok
• i vaccuummmeeddd and washed the truck!! at long bloody last!!! (and to spite me - i found one fleck of red glitter in the back seat after all the cleaning and washing finished LOL)
• had a couple hours nap in the afternoon
• made pork and omelette for dinner
• dishwasher is going
• washing and ironing complete
• told all the important people i love them
• day 15 of rubber banding is under the belt! (i can see the finish line)

and i was looking pretty hot for my dinners - just wish i remembered to wear some leather over my shirt - braces or vest or something like that

looking forward to work tomorrow to start the week off and get to thursday lunch time when annual leave starts YAY!

i'm a great guy, sexy, smart, incredibly resilient, honest, caring, loving, generous, brave, strong and understanding.

i'm the best!

have a good night people - love you all :-)

high in the sky.....!

been a few days, i know - been a bit slack as i've been city based the last couple days

playing tail end of [everything to lose (armin van buuren mix) - dido]

[saltwater (original mix) - chicane]

i rock.

i had another couple of moments of weakness where anxiety was on the horizon in the far distant..... distant.... umm... well - horzion! lol

i was able to at least pinpoint what i was noticing of my emotions and actions and tried whatever i could do to subside the feelings.

given how good i am feeling at the moment, i think i did alright (never mind the relatively nice news i had earlier this afternoon)

18/09/2015

17:21

*looks to the left out the window as the 17:22 train to wendouree flies past*

partly cloudy, maybe about 13° or so....

good-o bits:

• tidied myself up again with a head buzz cut thingo in the tub and trimmed up the beard a bit
• had a great couple of days with Master and alpha
• got to attend another shibari class on wednesday night - i'm LOVING it - but i do enjoy being the bunny and getting tied up - i'm sure one day i'll be game enough to try doing the actual ties, but i get easily lost with knots (give me a ratchet set any day hahaha)
• got to play board games last night after a nice dinner with marcus and zel - hadn't seen marcus for ages so was nice to see him and get a strong hug from him :-)
• work had it's usual ups and downs but finished on an up which was awesome
• looking forward to ballarat steakhouse dinner tonight with ballan bears and a few of the old crew from back at masters - love you robyn!
• and then a big gathering tomorrow night for my melbourne folk - love to share good times with good people
• got to take Master to run an errand and then deliver him promptly to the airport for his flight home
• i didn't get upset or teary when i dropped him off (sign of strength building - thank you!)
• i got to help alpha with organising some new bi-fold doors at his place :-)
• i get to introduce alpha to a bundle of my friends tomorrow night (next week i get to introduce him and Master to some of my nsw friends yay!!)
• good a good message earlier this afternoon
• paid off gas bill, part of the council rates - bills are always there but i am managing nicely which is a comfort

[let's get down (full intention club mix) - supafly vs fishbowl]

• planning of giving the truck a well deserved, long overdue, desperately needed, everybody wanted it, wash and vaccuum on sunday (hasn't been done since the morning of mardi gras parade and yes - there is still glitter on the dashboard and on the floors)
• speaking of which - enjoying being a part of planning next year's float once again - had a fucking great experience doing that as my first pride march thing of any sort in my life
• looking forward to having a week off work soon to switch off and regroup myself a bit
• another open for inspection tomorrow late morning - fingers crossed *the one* turns up, falls in love and puts in a decent offer - let's get this shit sorted! :-)
• currently singing - which is always an AWESOME thing (for those who haven't read about how i accidentally learned how to sing - check it out http://bigbluebearsbrain.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/i-started-to-sing-because-i-thought-i.html )

[exposure (original mix) - gareth emery]

yeah i think that'll be enough for now - no use anticipating the good stuff - wait until it happens then report back here!!

who knows, i might have stuff to blogger about tonight after dinner - don't ply me blind bears! :-) i have to drive in the morning lol

love you all - and i am sexy - and i ROCK!

Interesting

15/09/2015

21:18

In bed

Long day

Lost about an hour and a half of sleep last night from torrential downpours making a racket on the roof and windows lol

Good bits:

- had an apple on way to work

- had a good lunch

- got some good feedback at work

- I was proud that despite some rough terrain during the day, I managed to handle myself calmly and didn't resort to old habits of anxiety

- I also didn't project my problems onto others, especially onto Master or Dion

- got home late but still made myself a half decent meal for dinner

- I wore my retainer last night and it's in at the moment for tonight

- I told my family I love them

- I thanked them also for their support and guidance

My eyes are sore so I should end it there and get zzzzz'ing.....

Tomorrow will be day 11 of rubber banding :)

push through the junky stuff :-)

i'm very angry and tiredness isn't helping

*pushes all that aside*

[insert smile here] :-)

righto :-)

it's 14th september 2015 and it's 15:53

bit of an up and down day - just think it's the travel and tiredness catching up on me

good bits:

• washing and ironing all completed
• had a great weekend with family in sydney
• got to drive Master to melbourne yesterday - was a good drive, perfect weather, nice music, great company
• dinner at ballarat steakhouse last night - yay! and another this friday to use my birthday voucher
• did a little bit of work from home today
• had neighbour sharon over for cup of tea and biscuits to shoot the breeze and to get my headspace back to relatively half decent again :-)
• learned to do something on my own yesterday
• rubber band is on right hand wrist - day 9 i think! go me! *fist pumps*
• i am a sexy man
• i am a good person, loving, caring, kind, honest, reliable, generous, brave and strong
• i belong to my Master and that's a great thing
• i have great people in my life that make me feel good and that's also a great thing
• my mind is wandering a little bit but i'm trying my best to ignore it and keep myself occupied - it's just the tired mind mucking up
• one week off work has been approved - yay
• i'm looking forward to catching up with various people at various dinnery things to celebrate my birthday
• i got the new watch i ordered from qantas frequent flyer points last week, this morning
• the weather is nice and sunny and mild today
• i told my loved ones that i love them and appreciate their presence in my life

might make dinner soon and have an earlyish night

love to all of you reading as well xoxo

friday evening

good evening all!

*fossicks around for a calendar thingo*

11th september 2015

19:27

hey guess what! day 6 with rubber band on right wrist - [insert audio clip of the dude from Bejeweled Blitz saying "a new high score!"]

drive up to sydney was good, nice weather, bit relaxing, goodbye gwennovere and all that :-)

good stuff since last bloggerdoodley post thingy:

• picked up 2 contracts worth about 150 thousand bucks all up
• i'm in sydney and hanging out with family and friends
• got to play some role playing game last night when i arrived
• late night burgers with Master and Dion - i miss todd!
• had a good morning at work yesterday - didn't let anything get to me
• helped Dion today with a trip to the city to get his latest work uniform
• went for a trip to reverse garbage and got some little screw top bottles to distil some cleaning products to help make some leather cleaning kits
• got a heap of ironing done for Master and some of my own as well
• japanese yum for dinner
• get to take Master to work tonight and then go for a late night lap of woolies with Dion
• i get to have cuddles with Dion tonight :-)
• more gaming tomorrow!
• the weather has been absolutely PERFECT today
• paid some council rates, paid some more of the fuel injectors (yay! i'm under a grand to go!)

hmm power outage has stunted my thought processes lol

all good - i'm good :-)

and i'm a sexy fella too

Getting tied up

Good day today :)

09/09/2015

22:32

I had a brain snap moment which was really good!

Just felt like I made some progress in my headspace :) was awesome.

I started to get a bit of the "I really don't care" like I used to have many, many years ago.

Not so much that I don't care, but I don't have to care so much at 100% levels

Today:

- progressing with getting 150k worth of work over the line

- possibly getting another 80k worth of work over the line on Friday

- my desk is a bit of a mess but everything is under control at the same time

- rubber band is still on my right wrist (look Sharon! Go me!)

- told my family members that I love them

- went to a rope shibari dojo lesson with alpha and I got to be the dummy - it was awesome and incredibly interesting :)

- had a nice pizza for dinner afterwards with alpha at an Italian place that is closing in a couple of weeks (the lady who runs it is retiring, she was lovely)

- I get to see my Sydney family again this weekend and help Master out with some tasks, which I really love to do

- I got to tidy up alpha's place which I also love to do (he's teased me with some ironing so I'll definitely be back for that!)

- I helped out another friend by being a personal reference on their resume

- took a nice dusk/evening picture of Brunswick station looking in the up direction :)

And hey - don't forget how sexy I've been looking!!! I'm a stunner!!!

So tomorrow is going to be my new high score on the rubber band game - 5 days... Yes I'm counting the chook before she hatches cause I'm motivated enough to want it enough to make it happen.....

I'm a great person. I love to help people. I want everyone to feel (me) as good as I do :)

The truck is topped up and I'm just about ready to sleep before my halfish day at work before driving north and singing for a few hours

Might whack gwynnevere on at some point too - haven't listened to that in a while.....

Life is really good, I feel that I've turned a corner today.

So no looking back. Give me the future and watch me shine! :)

Love you all for reading and keep a big smile on ya face! :)

Pleasantries

Good evening to you good reader

8th September 2015

19:15

Dinner is on the go. Nuggets, dim sims and sausage roll with a side of rice... And some biscuits with hot chai instant latte thing afterwards...

Not a bad day today:

- we picked up a small job today

- 2 larger jobs may still come through for us this week - all up about 150k worth of work which will be nice if we can secure them

- got hungry so went to maccas for lunch... Thought about Todd again so that gave me a smile :)

- relatively productive work day otherwise

- remote control for the gate to work came in handy as it was raining this morning! :)

- having a giggle at Fast Forward while blogging :)

- got a little ancy during the day but managed to keep the buggers at bay :)

- found another giggly way to express my sexiness lol

- posted a bundle of things on Facebook and interacted with a few posts to keep myself amused

- told my loved ones that i love them 

- reminded myself that I'm a good person and that I am worthy of this life

That'll be enough... I need foodage!

Love and peace to all :)

a giggly posting tonight :-)

ok so i played with the mobile on the way home tonight

i am learning how good the Siri thingo is and how bad it is at the same time lol

so i wanted to record some dictation for things that popped into my head whilst driving that i could add to my list of positives for the day

07/09/2015
Monday
19:55

the furry house

positives:

• i paid some of the council rates notice
• Siri: "i play my council rates bill"

• i had a good day at work too
• Siri: "i paid my council rates and i had a good day at work and i told me"

[not bad Siri]

• i had fun talking to Siri driving home from work
• Siri: "i had fun talking to Siri driving home from work"

[how convenient that you got that one spot on first time Siri!]

• i helped a friend out who needed some advice and i think i gave him some good advice :-)
• Siri (attempt #1): "my friend's name"
• Siri (attempt #2): "i help today goodbye"
• Siri (attempt #3): "i help friend today"

[i guess that'll do Siri - it'll remind me what i wanted to write about]

• i got to see melbourne at night on the way home (from pentland hills) and see the beautiful lights
• Siri: "melbourne at night time store"

[well if you feel like spending money on me, i won't stop you - just use your own cash Siri!]

• my train porno arrived in the post yesterday!
• Siri: "train"

[well that's a start...]

• i started watching some Fast Forward on dvd during dinner
• Siri: "i started watching dvd"

[now you're getting better]

• i started researching a glass project for Dion
• Siri: "i started researching a glass project Dion"

[well Dion knows about it since he asked me to do it for him, but i guess Siri wants to remind Dion about it...]

• i finally got a remote control to the gate at work!
• Siri: "i finally got a remind control to the gate at work"

[at least she didn't think i was saying 'mind control' - that would've been concerning....]

so that was all a bit of fun, and lots of laughs... there were a few other niceties about today that Siri didn't try to knacker in the notations (as i didn't bother challenging her with them lol)

• had a nice productive at work
• got my birthday voucher for ballarat steakhouse
• got to talk to boss about how i'm going with becoming a better person, and even had a chat about some bdsm stuff briefly
• told important people in my life that i love and care about them
• found a different long sleeve top to wear this week at work - hello rm williams rugby top :-)
• told myself and others that i am sexy
• i am reliable, kind, strong, resilient and warm
• i am worthy of this life and of my purpose and existence

and now the timers are going off so i better go shove some food in my gob!!!

love you all :-)

Restart.....

Far out how annoying

I had written something up then it bloody all disappeared lol

Try again

6/9/15

15:10

Wodonga

Been off this for a couple of days whilst in Sydney with family and friends

Tripped over the power cable at one point and have taken a hard reboot... As such the elastic band got moved on to the left hand for a couple days....

It's back on the right hand again... So the counter starts again...

Positives from this weekend:

- I learned about how my actions and emotions can affect those around me

- I learned to be mindful about these situations to ensure I am more considerate of those around me

- I learned to push myself to be stronger, braver, more giving to loved ones

- I did my best to repair some of the hurt I caused to others

- I got to be there to help celebrate my Master's birthday

- I got to see and catch up with Conan at Master's birthday dinner

- Dion hugs

- helped alpha with shopping by carting back and delivering his large purchases to Melbourne (en route)

- been a relatively smooth trip so far 

- I got to learn more about Broc - he's great!

- played lots of board games

- laughed and made people laugh

- got to be with the family i belong to and love with all my heart

I'm disgusted with my actions, however it serves as motivation to be a better person, better family member, better household member and most importantly - a better slave and servant

I deserve the best and I want the same for those around me who I love and care about. They all deserve the best from me.

Be fucked if I'm going to let the demons get to me and piss it all up against the wall. No fucking way.

I will do what it takes to be the best. For me and for all.

I love making my Master and my family happy and proud.

I will continue in my road to self improvement.

I belong to you Master and I am very proud of that.

strength and pride

i had a close call tonight

but i think it was just the emotions i put in when watching tv shows that i love

and so ends season 6 of the good wife - and another WOW finish :-)

02/0/2015

20:56

good bitties:

• Master's birthday today - he loved his present - i'm very proud of that :-)
• busyish day at work but i managed to keep everything together and get lots of stuff done
• bandying around the whole "i'm sexy, i'm hot, i'm handsome" etc etc at work and it's giving a good laugh for us all :-)
• had phone call from the boss after i got home tonight to talk about one of the jobs, and towards the end he says "my ears are burnin'...... that must be you with your hotness coming down the phone line! you and your portuguese spice! stop that! i'm gettin' off the phone now!" hahaha
• i'm looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend :-)
• i'm a little sad that todd won't be there for late night burgers, but i'll live, and so will he hahaha
• house is tidy and vaccuummeeddd
• started to spread the word about the wonderful website Alpha made for me
• gave the link to the real estate and she sounded pretty excited by it too - fingers crossed it helps with peaking some more interest
• i love Dion and i get to spend time with him again before he goes back to work - yay, Dion hugs!
• all things considered at work, i think it's going alright, it's been great connecting with jarrod as i've not worked with him much, and we get along great :-)
• i am a great person
• i am helpful, kind, caring, loving, considerate, reliable and worthy of this life and of my existence
• i have strength and i have purpose
• i am brave and i am generous

*nods* things are good

so the good thoughts should, and do, override the lesser, negative, useless thoughts :-)

that's how the mind should operate, isn't it?

that's how i want mine to operate :-)

so day 3 rubber band on the right wrist..... i think i can safely proceed to day 4 tomorrow!

• i am proud of myself

keep it up!

i am a good person

i am strong, loyal, understanding, funny, honest and passionate

i am deserving of this life

tuesday

1st september 2015

good stuff:

• productive day at work
• made the boss laugh with my 'i'm sexy' commentaries
• one of the bears at work complimented me on my beard and asked how he could make his look similar as he's due for a trim
• slowly making inroads to getting 2 more projects over the line at work
• the weather was absolutely perfect - clear blue skies and sunshine - been a long time since we've had a good day like that weather-wise :-)
• took some more video footage of the house towards the website build to help sell it
• had a good sized meal for dinner and had some banana cake and blueberries for dessert
• watched some more of the good wife - wow!
• told myself and others that i am sexy and created some good banter from it :-)
• did my best to brush off potential anxieties and anxious thoughts that ventured in the distant horizons
• wore my split most of the night last night
• didn't really feel the need for a nap in the truck when i got to work this morning
• i am good at what i do
• had a good lunch to eat

yeah i think that's about covered it for the day.

had a few niggles at work, frustrations etc, but hey, that's work, and life continues :-)

i'm looking forward to Master opening his birthday present. i love to give presents - one of a few things that get me excited - to get their reaction and see how good i can make someone feel :-)

20:06

waiting for a few of the last vids to upload to dropbox then i'll go hit the bed i reckon

good day. i'm doing good.

i'm a great person and i love my life. i am proud of my efforts and of myself.

i rock.

i love to love

monday

31/08/2015

20:17

good day at work today

• up to date with tenders
• went to site with jarrod for some site measuring
• early mark to get home and take some vids and pics towards the site to help sell the house
• had a big dinner (burp)
• more work done on constructing my future
• told my close ones that i love them
• started to pay off the latest council rates notice
• made a booking for a catch up dinner leading up to my birthday
• told myself that i am a sexy man
• told the boss i was sexy
• enjoyed the view from my desk with freshly cleaned windows - didn't realise how dirty the glass was until it got cleaned lol
• enjoying the clarity of my desk (neatness king)
• i took off my black jacket/tradie jacket thing once i got to work so i wasn't wearing black/dark grey up top... not sure i noticed any difference in my feelings or thoughts but at the same time, i wasn't feeling negative either :-)
• wore my newly allocated work tradie pants - very nice and comfy but the top button is damn tight - i think the hole for the button needs to be a bit wider....
• spoke to jake on the phone - nice to catch up with his latest happenings
• got to talk to Master a couple of times
• had another nap in the truck this morning when i got to work
• i believe my rubber band can remain on my right wrist tonight :-)

i'm really doing my best to be a more reasonable and less serious person. it feels good when i have the strength to not take things seriously and give people what they need and want. because sometimes they need space and time, but that doesn't mean they don't like or love me, or don't think about me, or miss me.....

when i think about my april, i think about how we've known each other, probably coming up to 14 years now, we rarely talk to each other, see each other, email each other, text each other - but the most important thing is that we are always there for each other, we always love and care for each other, we will never ever forget each other

i'm looking forward to when i have that feeling of safety and comfort with my family... it's going to be wonderful

it already is wonderful - they are all amazing people in different and diverse ways, and i love it and them for it because it gives my brain a lot to feast on with learning about new people and learning how to interact with different people...

i will be more sociable in future with thanks to my Master and my family.

i love you all very muchly :-)

because i'm worth it

good evening

i am a good person.

i am friendly, caring, honest, loving, passionate, loyal, strong and funny.

i am worthy of this life.

i am worthy of receiving the things and people that are in my life.

and i am worthy of being in other people's lives too.

30th august 2015

20:20

• had a relatively relaxing day
• watched lots of the good wife, season 6
• wrote a letter for the future
• had a second inspection of someone potentially looking at buying the house
• accepted help from one of my close friends to try and help sell the house
• told myself and others that i am sexy
• didn't wear black or grey on the top half of the body
• told the important people in my family that i love them
• cooked breakfast
• put the rubbish bin out front
• made lunches for work for the week
• filled up with diesel
• told myself that i look good and i am sexy
• i tried my best at being brave and generous with others
• managed to keep anxieties at bay and not let them get to me
• stayed positive as much as possible
• ate dinner early and had fruit, yoghurt, biscuits and cake afterwards

neighbour sharon gave me a task to do everyday, apart from telling myself and everyone i know that i am sexy for 14 days... she gave me a rubber band to put on my left wrist.

the aim is to transfer the band to my right wrist when i've had a good day without any slips into anxiety.

the target is to have it on my right wrist for 21 consecutive days. at this point in time, she says that i can safely consider myself on the road to a better life.

after today, i'm giving myself a pat on the back and transferring the band to my right wrist.

now the challenge is to see how long i can keep it on that side.

i'm still a little scared of failing. but i can't think of it as failure.

as dion has instructed in the past - it's like a target shoot on a dart board or similar. if i slip, it's just not hitting the bullseye, rather it scores points on outer rings. we can't always hit the bullseye - it's just not realistic. we will all miss the bullseye but the important part is to hit as close to the bullseye as we possibly can.

i forgot about that until dion reminded me last week.

thank you dion, i love you my brother.

another task set by sharon was to not wear black/dark greys on the top half of the body, and bottom half if possible... so this means going to work i will have to change the jackets i wear as they are generally black.

i wonder if this may change how i feel when i'm at work.

if i can get away with wearing one of the hoodies Master gave me a while ago (prints on a white base material), then i will do that. the brighter the colour, the more bright i should start to feel.

it will be funny telling my boss that i am sexy. it will make for good laughter between us i think.

wait n see

i love my Master and i am very proud to serve him. this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

it was wonderful of sharon to tell me last night that she sees how it's such a wonderful thing for me, that it's a realisation for myself and i am finally fitting into life as it should be, and i need to embrace it and learn to give my trust over to it that nothing bad will happen to me.

i guess my upbringing wasn't the best from that aspect.

i need to give myself a chance, cut myself some slack etc. i've been like this for 31 years. so it's going to take time to adjust and change to understand that my new family surroundings are safe and happy. there is nothing to fear. they are not out to 'get me'. nor to hurt me.

i accept that i am good at hurting myself without any help from others.

it will stop.

it has started to stop.

it is a process and i will be better in the long term for it and be a better slave for it too.

this is who i am and i am damn fucking proud of it.

no one can take that away from me. let em try.

Saturday night

A blog from bed

It's warm in bed

Good to be in bed

Good things today include:

- baked banana cake

- made slow cooker roast lamb and potatoes

- did laundry and ironing

- vacated the house for open inspection time

- started watching season 6 the good wife (wow!)

- had the fireplace on all day

- had neighbour Sharon over for dinner to share the roast and the cake

- Sharon have me lots of help to try and handle anxious situations and dealing with the killer silence when alone

- she made a list of my qualities in about 15 seconds and made me write more things

- she's trying to help give my self esteem a booster shot and gave me tasks to try and maintain the better thought processes

- I told her and my other important people that I love them

- I have to admit I look good and I'm sexy (though it was Sharon's idea at first lol)

- I realise more that I don't have to associate with biological family if I don't want to as I have a true family of my own

- brushed and air flossed my teeth

- I have my apnea splint ready to put in my mouth before sleepy time

- I am a good, caring, honest, loving person

My life is heading in the best direction and I am deserving and worthy of all the good that is coming my way

Time to snuggle undercover and keep warm, I think it's going to be ice/frost in the morning again much like this morning was.....

up and down and taper out....

today was a slippery slide

started on mega ups

went on the downer in the late arvo

now i'm slowly balancing out

but the purpose of this exercise is to point out the positives of the day - so here goes!

28th august 2015

21:34

here's the good shit:

• slept another half the night with splint
• keeping up with the air floss in my teeth at night
• got up about 8:00 i think, feeling tired but well rested
• setup laptop next to the desktop computer to operate from the office all day
• got in the bathtub and gave myself a long overdue hair cut and beard trim
• tidy up shave to neaten the face
• went to the main street to get some shopping done for dinner tonight and tomorrow night
• invited the neighbour for dinner tomorrow night
• sent a present to a loved one
• spoke with the real estate to advised they think the second inspectee will arrive during the open for inspection tomorrow
• did work stuff on laptop
• played game for a few hours in the afternoon
• made a nice pork chop thing for dinner with asparagus
• made a salad of tomato, cucumber and onion (but forgot to eat some at dinner lol)
• vaccuummmeedd the house
• cleaned the toilets/bathrooms
• stoked the fire to light up in the morning
• mashed banana and grated lemon to prepare for banana cake bake in the morning
• played some m people vinyls
• paid some bills
• finished watching frasier (onto good wife season 6 this weekend!)
• told the close ones to me that i love them
• made the close ones laugh and smile
• asked for a bit of help when i got stuck upstairs and did my best to keep moving forward and not focussing on bad things

there's a lot on my mind at the moment, but as long as i keep making lists each day like the above, i should get to a better thought space

think it's bed time now lol

today is thursday..... and it rained a lot....

good evening,

20:23

27/08/2015

a month until my birthday - fancy that....

today's weather was very grey, lots of rains...

trams on strike

so those combinations made for an interesting drive home tonight, ring road mega blocked and western fwy shut both directions at melton... geeze!

so here's today list:

• i wore my sleep apnea splint for at least half the night sleep last night
• ate my apple on the way to work (it's a really nice feeling lobbing an apple core into the centre median of the freeway from the left lane - bit of a workout lol)
• managed to finish the work day with an almost cleared desk
• bought a webcammy thingo so i can talk to friends whilst playing new computer games i've been given :-)
• remained relatively calm during the worst of the traffic on the ring road between tulla fwy and keilor park drive (about half hour)
• kept monitoring traffic reports on the radio to assess the best way to get back here (grieg's road and out to exford and the back side of bacchus marsh)
• treated myself to takeaway dinner
• had some milk and biscuits afterwards
• watched some frasier (one disc left for the whole series - that'll get knocked over tomorrow i reckon)
• made use of funny opportunities to laugh
• which then leads to smiling
• told important people that i love them
• made some important people in my life laugh and giggle with some mucking about and little bit of teasing
• sent email copy of proxy form and proof of debt forms as i was chased by the administrator to send them in (they haven't done that in the past so maybe luck is on my side at long last??)
• oh yes i used my airfloss to floss my teef last night before bed too...

nice thought to not have to worry about going into work tomorrow... do some work from home instead so i can relax and no think about driving anywhere :-)

yeah that'll do i reckon...

let's face it - i've been lazy.....

**pulls on the cord to start the lawn mower repeatedly**

yeah i'm a slacker

but then there's a lot of crap going on upstairs too...

time to bring back the keyboard and bash the keys for a while

**pulls on the cord to start the mower again and again**

but this time i'll just focus on the positives of each day... i spend enough time moaning and complaining about the shitty stuff.....

so here goes.

26th august 2015

what was good today?

• i ate my daily apple on the way to work
• i acknowledged my possible sleep apnea creeping back, so had a 15 minute nap in the truck when i got to work before going inside
• i helped a very close friend with a job application letter
• i arranged a birthday present for the most important person in my life
• i helped get a small contract over the line at work
• couple of sets of shop drawings for larger projects got approved with minimal fuss
• i posted my creditors forms for the upcoming creditors meeting (let's see if i can get my 720 bucks after 3 years of hoping lol)
• i got contacted about 2 different important events occurring at the moment, which i was hoping to hear from this week
• i have a prospective buyer taking a second inspection this weekend
• i ate the last of my leftover chicken and veg stir fry that i made on monday night
• my boss was kind and funny to me today
• i told people i care about that i love them
• i continue to strive to be a good obedient driver and not speed
• i acknowledged moments of weakness and anxiety and did my best to talk myself through them to friends and myself
• i laughed
• i smiled
• i ate a good lunch
• i breathed deeply and took a step back to relax about things going on around me as best as i could

**continuously and frustratingly pulling on cord to the mower**

so that wasn't terribly difficult... no matter that it's 20:33 and i should be just about in bed... spending at least 5 minutes at the end of each day should be enough to reflect on the positive things..... and looking at the positive side of the lesser positive things.....

**pulls the cord one last time**
BRRMM, BRRMMM, BRRRRMMMMMMMM!!!!!

the mower has started....

time to cut the grass and clean up the upstairs paddock........